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| What is life without its challenges? Right. Right?
Lately, as in the last couple of months, it seems like, everytime something goes right, another thing goes wrong. Is that the equilibrium of life? Because if that's the case, it makes me feel hopeless. Or... Is it the way I view things? Glass half full, glass half empty. I want to always think that all of the glasses are half full, and I try.
But sometimes trying doesnt seem to cut it. I'll sulk... Attack it... Fix it... But it's all because Time allots me to do so. But this time around... I'm not sure if Time is working with me, or against me.
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A few days later...
Seeing things in a positive light is good. Wisdom from my father. "No matter how knotted something may be, there's always a way to unknot it. There's always a way to resolve something if need be resolved. It's just how life works."
Let's hope so, shall we?
Dance. Trot trot. | | |
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Little kids are so cute. It's really fun to hang out with little kids. Hectic here and there but still so much fun. It's so funny because each of them have a distinct personality and a good amount of confidence. They have their own niches.
Christian is the one that can talk really well and will always listen to me but still act like little boys do. David is the silly one that never listens. Daniel is youngest boy in my group and he just likes to play, but is still attached to his parents. The only way to get him to stop crying is with crackers. Then there's Paul. I'm concerned about him because he doesnt like to play with the other kids. And he's three years old and so is suppose to be in another group but he doesnt want to leave. And Heewon is the youngest girl in the group and she's the patient one. She always refers to herself in the third person and trusts me when I tell her that her mom is coming back after service. She wanders around though. I know I shouldnt have favorites, but I cant help it. She's so cute! And Guwonie is cute too. She asks a lot of questions and likes to color.
There's going to be a Christmas performance and so all of the kids are preparing to sing and dance in front of a big audience. So yesterday, we tried to teach them how to sing Joy to the World and after singing it three or four times, they had it memorized. It's so crazy how they can soak up so much so fast.
Through their eyes, I must be a "grown-up." And clearly, I dont want to be perceived as a "grown-up." Not in the light that I see it in. A stiff adult who is incapable or too busy to play. I might look like one, talk like one, and act like one, but there are other moments throughout the day that I feel like a kid. For one, I like crackers and apple juice. Two, I get excited about little things and big things place me in a mode of wonderment. Three, I still love Disney. And I like being inside a makeshift fort made out of blankets.
Being childish is immature, but being childlike is a good thing. - Ayako Tamaki | | |
| I got startled a little while ago by a revelation. Maybe not a revelation to you, but a revelation to yours truly. And maybe startled isn't the right word for it...
Anyhow, I haven't had anything interesting to write that I wanted to make public... Which means, I have been writing... Just, not on a blog. But here is my rambling for your reading pleasure.
I was walking around my apartment getting dressed to get some grub before starting the day. Then a random thought entered the stream of my agenda and that was...
"Is my favorite color still white or creme? I can't remember."
Hell of a lot insignificant to the climax of how dramatic that thought was expected to be, ey? The justification is that that thought sparked a whole train of thoughts...
"It definitely use to be... How come it doesn't seem like it anymore? Or maybe it still is? Or maybe I like all colors... Minus purple and pink... I don't think I'm fond of orange either... I remember I use to be so certain that my favorite color was white... And if that wasn't considered a color... I would say creme. And if that wasn't a color, I would say yellow. Although deep down, it's probably blue... More specifically bluish slate. When I was little, my favorite color use to be green. Forest green. Pine green. Jungle green. Those were always the shortest crayons in the Crayola box. I use to have so many white colored things in my teen years... I loved white, but does that still stand now? Yes. I still like white. But I like yellow, and I'm keen of blue... And all of the greys between white and black. And black. And browns. Red appeals to me too. Even the metallics. Oh the choices! Why am I not sure? I must have forgotten. That's silly. Maybe I've grown out of it and into something else."
And that is how my machine works. That logic is processed in a mere 5 seconds or less. A high speed world of thoughts. Of course, later on, when I reflect back on my thoughts by writing letters and notes, that's when things become more clear. But I'm going on a tangent.
How could one forget who they are? Maybe not just what their favorite color is, but who they actually are. The point is, I'm not just talking about me forgetting what my favorite color is. What's on my mind now is the fact that all of us grow into our own, and as a result of it, there's some change involved. There has to be.
And we fail to recognize it. It deserves recognition.
We don't realize that small changes have accumulated into one master change. And because we're so unaware of the small changes, we just continue to ride the wave until it moves us to shore. Based on how long the wave lasts, it's possible to forget yourself in the midst of all of the anticipation, hope, challenges, struggles, and happiness even. And so the phases of yourself in between go unnoticed. Until you look back. And rarely do we look back.
There was growth from experiences. You turn around and look at the distance you've covered and whether that distance is short or long, you've managed to get from point A to point B and picked up some wisdom on the way. It's exciting and invigorating. It's new and lifting. It emits a positive light. And you cant wait to grow some more, to bathe in its warmth. I think I should reflect more often.
The current growth that I recognized in my own little world is that I've become more mature. More open minded. Not that I was incredibly closed minded before. I'm more thoughtful I would say and less stubborn for sure. I'm learning to let things go. Something significant to me is that on the way, I had forgotten the majority of who I was. What I liked... What I didn't like. What I knew, what I didn't know. My morals and my ethics. An example would be the whole color thought compilation. I can write a book or at least an excellent psychology thesis on this. You know what? I will.
Before I use to say my favorite color was white. If that wasn't considered a color by my fellow design school comrades and instructors or a highly anal retentive ass, I would say creme... And if that was considered a dirty white by some, I would stick with yellow, even though deep down it's bluish slate. Why I didnt want to share that with the world, I dont know. That in itself is complex, but before I forget where I was going with this...
Now I know that I don't have to have a favorite color... I don't have to feel an obligation to always stick to one answer. I need to become more aware of all of the other colors because I happen to like them too... With the exception of purple, pink, and orange. It doesn't mean that I'm going to go crazy with colors and splash it everywhere and become a tacky Lisa Frank product. It just means, I still like white a lot... And I like bluish slate... I really do. I like the greys between white and black... And a little bit of red... Just a lot of earthy tones. I overlooked that entire category.
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Anyone wonder what the 'T' in Tmobile stands for? Anyone know?
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| Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven
I'll find my way, through night and day
Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven
Time can bring you down
Time can bend your knee
Time can break your heart
Have you begging please
Begging please
Beyond the door
There's peace I'm sure.
And I know there'll be no more...
Tears in heaven
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven
Will it be the same
If I saw you in heaven
I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven
Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven | | |
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Without a doubt, a night I'll look back on with a smile and laughter too. Nights like these are rare. It's Mai's birthday today so last night, a few friends got together to show her that we care about our bunny. I havent had this charming of an evening since... I dont even remember. May all our birthdays be as sweet and sentimental! | | |
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